Verbal abuse is used to control another person and keep that person in his or her place. Verbal abuse is rampant among teens, and women can be verbal abusers, but most is committed by men in committed relationships. Patricia Evans, communications expert, theorizes that this is because of the way boys are often raised and defined. Evans has studied verbal abusers and victims and has written five books on the subject.
Verbal abuse includes criticism, name calling, accusations of everything from ineptitude, to infidelity, to trying to start a fight. The victim feels confused and frustrated when her spouse treats casual remarks as an attack, questions her motives, or criticizes things she thought she did well. She means well, but the abuser says that she is “attacking” him or “trying to start something.” The victim then spends time and energy trying to improve her communications and worrying about doing something that provokes an angry reaction.
Verbal Abuse Defines the Victim
The essence of verbal abuse is that it defines the victim in a negative or disempowering way. The verbal abuser denies his partner’s individuality and feelings. According to Evans, this may be because his own feelings and individuality were denied when he was young. An innocuous comment is defined as provocative and the abuser becomes extremely angry. A conversation is interpreted as an attempt to start a fight, when the victim had no such intentions. The verbal abuser may tell his spouse that she is lazy when she is in fact working very hard. He may criticize her in various ways, thus defining how well she performs anything from housework to driving.
Why a Male Abuser Defines His Spouse
The verbally abusive male has been abused himself. Whatever form the abuse took, his feelings were denied, according to Evans. He was told that his experience was not real; his feelings did not exist or were not valid. He was defined. Typical statements that deny a child’s reality are: “He didn’t mean to hurt you.” “That didn’t hurt!” “You have nothing to cry about.” “Don’t be so silly.” “You know you love your sister.”
According to Evans, our culture still tends to discourage emotional expression in boys, and their feelings are denied while girls’ are accepted. The result of this is that the young child splinters off a part of himself that has been denied, and keeps it out of conscious awareness. He felt hurt, but an important adult told him it wasn’t real, so he also begins to deny the reality of his feelings about things.
But the emotions are still there. He seeks a dream woman who will embody the emotions he has denied. When he meets a potential partner who seems like his dream woman, he tends to project his hidden emotions onto her. As long as her behavior is congruent with his “dream woman,” everything is fine. In fact, his tendency to idealize his partner seems intensely romantic during the courtship stage of the relationship. When his partner steps out of character and says or does something incongruent with his dream woman, however, he feels attacked and reacts as he would to an attack; with threats and anger, or possibly simply ignoring his spouse as if she were not real.
References:
Evans, Patricia. The Verbally Abusive Relationship. Avon, MA: Adams Media Corporation. 1996.
Evans, Patricia. Verbal Abuse Survivors Speak Out. Avon, MA: Adams Media Corporation. 1993.
Evans, Patricia. Controlling People. Avon, MA: Adams Media Corporation. 2003
Evans, Patricia. The Verbally Abusive Man; Can He Change? Avon, MA: Adams Media Corporation. 2006.
Ruth Wilson Zamierowski - Ruth Wilson Zamierowski researches and writes on topics including health and bodywork, effective thinking strategies (NLP), metaphysics ...
